So you want a baby…. maybe.

Everyone told me I’d change my mind about having children when I turned 30. As though 30 is some magical age where you wake up one morning with maternal instinct and a desperate need for a baby. I have always been very on-the-fence about having children – “I’m not saying no, but if I had to decide right now… then no.” On the one hand, I like my body, money, and free time. On the other hand, I come from a big, happy family and don’t want that to be a thing of the past. Still, thirty came and went, and I felt no different – a hard “maybe.” But then 32 rolled around. It was a slow trickle as opposed to waking up a new person. One day my friends’ snaps of their babies weren’t annoying, they were actually kind of cute. A few weeks later I thought, if I had a baby, where would she sleep? Upstairs seems far, so maybe in our bedroom? Then another month passed and it was the holiday season. I live far from family so having just my husband and myself around felt a little lonely for the first time. If we had a baby, we would be taking sweet pictures of her under the tree right now. 

I waited and waited for these thoughts to dissipate, for me to return to my natural childfree-by-choice state of mind, but they never did. I decided it would be best to clue my husband in on these feelings since he had always been more “no way” than “maybe”, but he always said if it was something I ever needed to do, he would probably be on board. Well… not exactly. He didn’t freak out the way I thought he would, but he definitely wasn’t on board. He gave a million reasons NOT to have a baby, some of the main reasons including:

• He doesn’t feel like he “has it in him” to be a dad
• He feels like he would be giving up any chance of becoming successful because he would no longer have time to work on his projects
• He doesn’t want to pass on his OCD and anxiety to a child
• He doubt he has the energy to be a good dad
• He feels that it’s unfair to bring a child into the world today with the population rising so fast and economies already suffering

I listened and nodded, and then he asked my reasons for wanting a baby. They included:

• I want family
• My husband would make a great dad and I think I would make a great mom
• I want this experience with my husband
• When I think to the future, so many more holidays and special events just the two of us feels empty
• I have a strong feeling I will regret it if we don’t
• I am starting to feel that need everyone told me I might feel someday

After listing my “why” I went ahead and listed my “why nots” which included:

• Exhaustion
• Any problems in our marriage will be magnified
• Expensive
• Messy
• Needy babies sound annoying
• No free time
• Really hard!
• I have to actually BE pregnant

And then of course my pros and cons:

Pros:

• Financially secure
• We have a strong marriage
• Our jobs are conducive to raising a child
• We are both working actively on ourselves and our relationship – minimizing baggage we would potential throw on this tiny person
• We have great paid leave options and amazing insurance

Cons:

• We just went through a bit of a rough patch in our marriage
• My husband doesn’t seem to want kids at all
• A child would negatively affect my career
• My husband still has some issues to work through

 

So. What’s the right answer? Do I actually want a baby? If I do, am I supposed to just leave my husband and hope to find a new partner to have a baby with within my reproductive window? Is he supposed to just go along with a baby he doesn’t want so I don’t leave him? Can I live happily, without resenting my husband, if we don’t have a baby?

What to do when you hate your job

I’ve been there. Sunday night is upon you and that pit in your stomach is getting worse and worse with each passing minute. You’re dreading Monday because, to put it simply, you hate your job. Whether you hate it because it doesn’t pay well, it demands too much of your time, you can’t stand your coworkers, your boss is a nightmare… no matter the reason, the end result is the same. It’s soul-crushing.

To start out, let’s re-frame our feelings. “Hate” is a bit dramatic. You probably dislike your job, feel that your talents are being wasted, are tired of the monotony, or maybe would just rather be doing something else. Whatever the actual feeling is behind your “hate” – I’d start by focusing there. Let’s say you hate your job because you and your boss really don’t get along. Then rather than repeating to yourself fifty times on Sunday night “I hate my job I hate my job I hate my job” try being real with yourself and saying “I am not looking forward to interacting with my boss.”  Just by doing that, you take off a lot of the pressure.

Start with a new morning routine. Wake up 15 minutes earlier, grab your coffee or protein bar or whatever, and a notepad. List out what you have to do that day and rank each task on a scale of 1-10, 1 being a task you would rather die than do, 10 being something you are actually looking forward to. For everything you score as a 5 or below, jot down exactly WHY you are dreading it. Follow that up with a motivating message to yourself. This exercise helps you mentally break down the tasks at hand, and more often than not, you see that your to-do list is way worse in your head than in reality. It also provides you with instant gratification when you start checking off your list! Ex: I am dreading meeting with a new client. Why I’m dreading this: I’ve heard she’s difficult to work with, I get intimidated when I meet someone new, and I have a million other things to do. Motivating message: I can DO THIS. It’s one meeting. I’ve done this a thousand times before. Worst case – we don’t hit it off and it doesn’t work out. Best case – a 20 minute meeting turns into a great client relationship that we both benefit from. I got this!

Another trick to to job hunt. Get your resume together, read up on interview prep, and hit the job boards. Even if you are stuck (for now) and not going to take a new position, it helps to know what’s out there. Your situation won’t seem as bad if there are other jobs staring you in the face.

Lastly, remember that it is not forever. Everyone has to suck it up and do something they hate at some point. It’s never too late to quit, start over, go back to school – whatever. If a year or two or ten seems like too much time to put into changing directions, imagine yourself in a year or two or ten. You will be kicking yourself for not starting this process NOW.